I'm in Love with my Car

So for a while now, my car has felt dangerously close to falling apart every time I have driven it. A few months back, my mom needed to borrow it. When she was done she said she would never get in it again until we had it repaired. I drive a 2001 Oldsmobile Alero. It's dark blue, and one of the coolest affordable cars in America. It looks fairly nice, aside from the inexplicable rust on the right front edge of the hood. And the right mirror is missing the right half of where the glass is. And the horn no longer works (that's a funny story). And the driver's seat no longer moves up and down as it is supposed to (or at all).

Anyway, the problem was that every time I would step on the break pedal the front of the car would violently shake, the pedal would thump and pulsate against my foot, the breaks would squeal, and it felt as if the car would never, ever stop. So naturally I drove it to Cedar Point last week with a few friends. I know that sounds irresponsible now but last week we knew it would be fine to make the hour and a half, all highway drive. While Subster and I were driving up there, though, three dashboard lights spontaneously lit up, in addition to the light that has been on for weeks (Service Engine Soon). The three that lit up were Service Vehicle Soon, Anti-Lock, and Trac Off. I had Subinator look through the manual to see what danger we were in, but it said we were in no danger at all - except we no longer had anti-lock breaks and slip-resistant drive. It was a dry day, so I decided we would be fine, and we made it there and back alive and without any accidents.

But since I will be commuting to school everyday this year, I figured I should take it in to make sure it is in good enough condition to drive, have it put in good enough condition to drive, or make the decision to trade it in, pray it qualifies for cash for clunkers, and get a better car. The mechanic eventually found that the dashboard was malfunctioning, I needed new Tye rods (sounds made up to me), and - o yea - the front two rotors were completely destroyed. Sounds simple enough. So he fixed it. Then it turns out the right front bearing (made up?) was malfunctioning and that is what caused the lights to come on. Then it turns out the same thing was happening to the left front bearing. This means that - here's the funny part - as long as the breaks have felt bad, the front tires have been in severe danger of freezing - spontaneously not turning anymore, to the mechanically un-savvy. Good thing I didn't take this car on a 3-hour road trip last week.

The important thing, though, is that now we really know that the Alero is in not just good condition, but great condition. That's coming from the mechanic: "once we fix all of this the rest of the car is in great condition." And it passed its E-check today, too, so it's environmentally acceptable! Woohoo!

The Alero lives on. Which is great, because I love my car. I really do. Even though before a cross country practice senior year, I went to my car and saw my rear view mirror dangling from the wire for the light, because it decided to come unstuck from the windshield. But I fixed it (twice). And even though the Walsh Jesuit sticker is peeling off of the back window. And I love that I have never washed it while it's been "mine" (since December 2, 2006). Through the WJ renovation construction, and cross country, and three northeast Ohio winters. And even though nobody but Subakkah understands the allusion made by its name, Mr. Fahrenheit. Or few understand the allusion made by its shortened name, Mr. F.

It's cool though, because it's my car. About 7,000 miles of the 104,700 are mine. It's been to Cedar Point twice under my watch and it rained on both days. It made countless 2-mile drives to and from Acme grocery store during junior and senior years. It was the car I learned to drive in, the car I first drove myself to school in, and the first car I drove after my surgeries. It sat in the driveway, neglected, for nine months while I was in Columbus, getting only a few trips around the block to keep the engine "fresh." But, hey, it still gets more attention than the Expedition (Anybody want to trade for an Expedition?). It's my car, and it's awesome.

Don't forget to donate to the Intestineless Wonder Super Awesome Jet Ski Relief Fund for America.

Drive Safely and Buckle Up -IW

Spare the Rod

I had my latest biannual appointment at the Cleveland Clinic last week. It was just a routine check up to make sure I'm still doing alright, adjust some medications, and collect a $25 co-pay. The first thing my nutritionist said when she walked in was, (I'm paraphrasing here) "Wow, look how awesome you look!" It's amazing what four pounds and a summer's worth of sunshine does for a previously pale, sickly looking teenager. Currently, our biggest foe is still the SBBO (Small Bowel Bacterial Overgrowth). As you may remember reading, a few months ago I began taking one dose of VSL-3, a probiotic meant to fight the SBBO. It began to help a lot, but I never really got to enjoy it because shortly after that I began my war with kidney stones (stone free for over a month!). For the past few week, though, I have been able to enjoy all that the probiotics have done, which includes cutting down on the persistant gurgling noise, stomach discomfort, and all-around horribleness that comes with the Short-Gut experience. My nutritionist has recommended that I double my intake of the VSL-3. It is now up to 500 billion good bacteria per day. 500 billion. Billion. With a "B".

I haven't yet noticed a lot of difference, but my expectations are pretty high. This VSL-3 stuff has helped so much, and that's with just one dose per day. The bottle says that a patient can take up to 4 doses each day (that would be an even trillion). That's a lot of good bacteria. I will know when it starts working when I have significantly less gurgling. I like to think of the gurgling as the battle cries of the two bacterial armies, a microscopic, less Scottish William Wallace shouting to the hills: "they may take our lives, but they'll never take our FREEDOM!" (Translated from: brrgullahgabrgrburlagehdaahhh").

And now William Wallace's army will be twice the size. And if they should fail, his good friend, Delios will be right behind, preaching: "The enemy outnumber us a paltry three to one. Good odds for any GREEK (Greatly Reduced, yet Effective Eliminator of Krap). This day we rescue a world from stomach discomfort and bloating and usher in a future brighter than any we can imagine. Give thanks men, to our other GREEKS and the brave VSL-3! To VICTORY!"

If Delios' speech is not quite inspiring enough, perhaps V will do better. "We're oft to blame, and this is too much proved, that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar on the devil himself." (Quoting Hamlet, of course).

William Wallace, Delios, and V. A more powerful leadership force has never been assembled. Fictional? Sure. Effective? Totally.

Switching modes for the rest of the post, the fam and I had our semi-cation over this past weekend. I call it a semi-cation because, while it was our vacation this year, we simply spent the weekend at my grandparents' lake house while they were at my grandfather's -0th high school reunion. It was wonderfully relaxing. We played a round of golf at the nine-hole course, grilled steaks one night, and played cards. But then we realized something. Swimming in a murky, seaweed-filled lake with no goal is not much fun. We need to upgrade our frisbee and splash balls for a more age-appropriate toy. So if any of you would like to donate to the Intestineless Wonder Super Awesome Jet Ski Fund for America, please leave your e-mail address and I will contact you. Jet skis are expensive people, so don't be afraid to be generous. It's not just for me, it's for America.

A special Happy Birthday wish goes out to my cousin Kyle, who turns 8 on Thursday. Hi Klye!

-IW

P.S. Those speeches may have been loosely based on similar speeches from Braveheart, 300, and V for Vendetta. Don't tell anyone.