Spare the Rod

I had my latest biannual appointment at the Cleveland Clinic last week. It was just a routine check up to make sure I'm still doing alright, adjust some medications, and collect a $25 co-pay. The first thing my nutritionist said when she walked in was, (I'm paraphrasing here) "Wow, look how awesome you look!" It's amazing what four pounds and a summer's worth of sunshine does for a previously pale, sickly looking teenager. Currently, our biggest foe is still the SBBO (Small Bowel Bacterial Overgrowth). As you may remember reading, a few months ago I began taking one dose of VSL-3, a probiotic meant to fight the SBBO. It began to help a lot, but I never really got to enjoy it because shortly after that I began my war with kidney stones (stone free for over a month!). For the past few week, though, I have been able to enjoy all that the probiotics have done, which includes cutting down on the persistant gurgling noise, stomach discomfort, and all-around horribleness that comes with the Short-Gut experience. My nutritionist has recommended that I double my intake of the VSL-3. It is now up to 500 billion good bacteria per day. 500 billion. Billion. With a "B".

I haven't yet noticed a lot of difference, but my expectations are pretty high. This VSL-3 stuff has helped so much, and that's with just one dose per day. The bottle says that a patient can take up to 4 doses each day (that would be an even trillion). That's a lot of good bacteria. I will know when it starts working when I have significantly less gurgling. I like to think of the gurgling as the battle cries of the two bacterial armies, a microscopic, less Scottish William Wallace shouting to the hills: "they may take our lives, but they'll never take our FREEDOM!" (Translated from: brrgullahgabrgrburlagehdaahhh").

And now William Wallace's army will be twice the size. And if they should fail, his good friend, Delios will be right behind, preaching: "The enemy outnumber us a paltry three to one. Good odds for any GREEK (Greatly Reduced, yet Effective Eliminator of Krap). This day we rescue a world from stomach discomfort and bloating and usher in a future brighter than any we can imagine. Give thanks men, to our other GREEKS and the brave VSL-3! To VICTORY!"

If Delios' speech is not quite inspiring enough, perhaps V will do better. "We're oft to blame, and this is too much proved, that with devotion's visage and pious action we do sugar on the devil himself." (Quoting Hamlet, of course).

William Wallace, Delios, and V. A more powerful leadership force has never been assembled. Fictional? Sure. Effective? Totally.

Switching modes for the rest of the post, the fam and I had our semi-cation over this past weekend. I call it a semi-cation because, while it was our vacation this year, we simply spent the weekend at my grandparents' lake house while they were at my grandfather's -0th high school reunion. It was wonderfully relaxing. We played a round of golf at the nine-hole course, grilled steaks one night, and played cards. But then we realized something. Swimming in a murky, seaweed-filled lake with no goal is not much fun. We need to upgrade our frisbee and splash balls for a more age-appropriate toy. So if any of you would like to donate to the Intestineless Wonder Super Awesome Jet Ski Fund for America, please leave your e-mail address and I will contact you. Jet skis are expensive people, so don't be afraid to be generous. It's not just for me, it's for America.

A special Happy Birthday wish goes out to my cousin Kyle, who turns 8 on Thursday. Hi Klye!

-IW

P.S. Those speeches may have been loosely based on similar speeches from Braveheart, 300, and V for Vendetta. Don't tell anyone.