MLB - Medicinal League Baseball

Cytra-K: the latest supplement to be added to my regimen by my team of doctors. It is intended to increase my citrate level, if I'm not mistaken, which has a correlation to kidney stones. That is, low citrate levels are related to a higher probability of developing kidney stones. Naturally, taking this makes sense. I take 1 mL of the liquid four times daily. After three meals and before bed. It smells like cough syrup, it tastes like I imagine the water in Satan's tap tastes. It is rough. I fill the medicine cup thing two-thirds of the way up with a mixture of the medicine and cold water, and I have a glass of cold water ready to drink and the tap running. I make a toast to somebody (family, short-gutters, American soldiers, etc.) and go bottoms-up. It's probably not as bad as I make it out to be, but it is tough. And having to do it four times everyday makes it worse. But I guess I don't have much of a choice. And it's certainly better than the alternative (kidney stones).

This is just the most recent supplement called upon by my docs. Going with the baseball metaphor that I mentioned last time, that would make me the manager of the team. My doctors at the Cleveland Clinic would be the General Manager (and assistants). My mom I will call the trainer. Short-gut and SIBO are the opponents, and my supplements are the players. So here's the line-up.

1 - Loperamide, CF

2 - Tums, RF

3 - Calcium, 1B

4 - VSL#3, C

5 - Chewable Children's Multi-vitamin, DH

6 - Gas-X, SS

7 - Chromium, 2B

8 - Cytra-K, LF

9 - Glutamine, 3B

And now the justification. Loperamide (nicknamed Lope; baseball players and fans love nicknames) is the all-around best player on the team: the cornerstone, if you will. Without its bat to lead-off the game the offense never gets started (it's the first pill I take in the morning), and its amazing plays in the outfield prevent the opponent from getting any sustained rallies (it's the generic for Imodium - I don't think I need to explain what a "sustained rally" is). Tums is one of the most underrated players. When the opponent gets a liner to the right field corner Tums comes up with the big arm to gun down the runner. A Rocky Colavito-like arm puts fear into all batters attempting to stretch a single to a double or double to a triple (Tums does the trick for quick-hitting stomach aches). Tums also prevents stomach aches when I take it right after meals that may potentially cause discomfort. Loperamide gets it going, Tums moves it over.

Calcium is a solid defensive first baseman. It prevents a lot of potential kidney stones from even getting started, which is kind of a big deal. But the clean-up hitter is the one that does the most damage. VSL#3 clobbers anything thrown over the plate by the opposition (VSL#3 helped the team put up 22 runs against SIBO last weekend). And as a catcher, VSL#3 calls the perfect pitch to make the opposing batter look like a fool. Should a base runner reach safely, he wouldn't think of stealing on VSL#3's cannon arm. VSL#3's big bat is protected in the line-up by the big bat of Chewable Children's Vitamin (currently of the Spongebob variety and therefore called Spongey). Spongey does the obvious with my vitamin levels. Underrated: yes; under-appreciated: no. But it doesn't do anything on the defensive side of the game. So it's a good thing we have the DH.

Gas-X is the stopper, or the X Factor. Should the top of the line-up not do its job, Gas-X puts an end to it. Bad stomach ache: Gas-X. Can't sleep due to cramps: Gas-X. About to eat something not so good: preventative Gas-X. It gets the job done from the plate. But it's the defensive side that really puts it in the All-Star game. Gas-X stops everything hit to the left side. Gas-X is the Omar Vizquel of this team. It is followed by Chromium (called Chromesy). Chromesy is mostly on the team because we needed a second baseman. Chromesy doesn't have any noticeable merits to put it on the team, but without him, he is missed (chromium levels drop like Apollo Creed against the Russian).

Next is Cytra-K (called CK). CK just got called up from the Triple-A club. He's got a big bat and great range in left. His arm needs to gain some strength, but that won't be too noticeable in left. His bat will sit in the lower third of the line-up until he gets used to big-league pitching (or until I'm not so disgusted by its taste and it becomes just another player). Don't be surprised if CK replaces Calcium in the three-hole. Batting last is Glutamine (called Glutes). Glutes gets the job done in the hot-corner at defense, helping my system regulate itself after a couple bad days or a cold, but there isn't a lot of offensive firepower with this player.

Vitamin D (Big D) pitches. He is on a weekly rotation (I take one every Sunday). He gets my vitamin D levels up but beyond that doesn't have much effect. Percocet (Perks) has been optioned to the Triple-A squad finally. Perks was getting the job done, but with CK preventing stones, there isn't much need for him. CK's upside far outweighs the risk associated with Perks (addiction and foggy-headedness). Fiber (called Candy, however ineffective that is) and Viokase (he was never accepted by earning a nickname) are currently on the 15-day DL. I have trouble keeping them in the daily line-up. I'm hoping they will be ready to play by mid-May.

So that is my Medicinal League Baseball line-up. It currently is my best nine. But be aware that it will change soon and then will change again. Probably a third time, too. I hope that was as fun for you as it was for me, even though it was a little silly.

I had a Chem 101 mid-term yesterday. I would call it a confidence booster more than a mid-term. It was thirty multiple choice questions. That's it. Ten times easier than any Chem test I had during my sophomore year chemistry course, which Michelle is currently taking. If you need help Michelle, don't ask me, because this college class is easier than Getz's class. I have my last mid-term tomorrow morning in my Calculus course. It is going to be a killer. This post was my break from studying.

Now it's back to the grind. Wish me luck. -IW