I'm sorry if I offended you. I'm sorry that I tried to act normally while normalcy was still so far out of reach. But most of all, I'm sorry that you all find it necessary to provide added mental beatings to a person who has been so obviously scarred while offering no assistance.
I'm sorry that I roll with so many punches and let so many things go without confronting you all. I'm sorry that every time I do anything that isn't appropriate for a Boy Scout, I get called out and scapegoated.
I'm sorry that I came to Ohio State, the institution that has always been a picturesque destination; the place that would make everything okay. Now, it has been tainted. When I think of Ohio State later in life, I won't think about the beautiful campus, the pride of the Scarlet and Gray, or the glorious football team. Instead, I will think about how Ohio State joined the endless list of short-term, life-bettering goals that merely failed to come true. There have always been these goals, for sixteen and a half months. Once I am discharged from Pittsburgh and go home, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once I go back to school part-time, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once I go back to school full-time, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once graduation rolls around and I can leave high school behind, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once I go to 5 days a week on TPN instead of all 7, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once I am completely off TPN, everything will be okay; but it got worse. Once I gain my weight back, everything will be okay; but that has yet to transpire. Once I go to Ohio State, everything will be okay; but it got worse.
Before leaving for Ohio State last summer, my thoughts about it and my family's thoughts about it, were that you never heard of any stories about anyone not liking college. Sure there were roommate horror stories, there were professor horror stories, there were social horror stories; but one constant was that college was the best time of your life. The chances that my college experience wouldn't be great were very slim: I'm guessing about 2 in a million. Funny how I've hit those chances twice now.
So, to my fellow residents of Bradley 4, I don't know exactly the circumstances for your discovery of this page. I'm sure whoever stumbled upon it had a good laugh at my expense and thought, "hey, this kid is sharing his inner-most emotions. Guys are stereotypically emotionless. Let's make him feel worse for sharing. Hey, he isn't happy with our floor. Let's make him feel bad for that too. Each of us has 50 pounds on him; what's he going to do?"
And so the forwarding began. Anti-IW comments posted on a few prior posts calling me a racist expletive, telling me people won't be nice to me if I write bad things about them, remarking that I surely think highly of myself, and so on and so forth. Easy, simple, predictable.
I'm disappointed to tell you the truth. Not only in my college experience, but in the lack of acceptance from a group of people (liberal college students) who are notorious for their blind acceptance. So I present to you my responses to the afore mentioned comments. I am not a racist. I just don't enjoy Kanye West (who once accused President George W. Bush of hating black people ... logic: flawed). People on the floor decided not be nice to me long before they discovered my blog. And, yes, I do think highly of myself. If you knew half the things I have had to overcome, you would think highly of me and my mental strength, too. Maybe come and have a conversation with me sometime. Ask about what I've experienced that has been "so bad." Maybe try to understand before you decide that I am exaggerating. I guarantee it will surprise you.
I am disappointed that the tight-knit community my fellow B4 residents feel we have thought it would be best to insult me on my own webpage, which is read by my parents, friends, and sister, instead of offering a helping hand. It doesn't have to be a public one either, if you fear being attacked along with me. But only one of you came forward and offered help if I needed it.
And that brings me to the one and only silver-lining to this situation. Yes, there is one. That one is that one person on the floor came to my room, gave me a heads up that this had been spread around, and told me to let him know if anybody gave me any grief. I don't anticipate any, but it was good to know someone was on my side, and I greatly appreciate the kind words, which won't be soon forgotten.
I feel torn. Torn between two characters on my favorite television show, House. I want to be House. Arrogant, brilliant, crippled mentally: the ABCs of Awesome. He does what he wants, acts as he wishes, says what he thinks. People continue to stick by him although not always understanding him. Yet, I am not most like House. I am Wilson. I try to let things go. I let people walk all over me, burying feelings of contempt under a laid back, carefree facade in order to avoid confrontation for as long as possible. And then, when I finally break and let something out and say how I feel, I am attacked and immediately made to feel inferior and less than what I am.
Yes, I suppose I am inferior. I am inferior to my floor mates. But not in the way that they all feel. I don't kick people while they're down, and believe me, I'm down.
This reminds me of a quote I heard earlier today: "The great Socrates once said, 'even ants will kick an elephant while it is down.'" Anyone know who was quoted as saying that? It was the ever-inspiring Shaquille O'Neal. It seems that this quote is particularly relevant to the current situation. I am the elephant. I am down. I am being kicked. And I will get back up. I will prevail, because in the long run, the kicks are still only coming from ants. What permanent damage can an ant really do to an elephant?
-IW
Posts
Hang in there son. This is a good opportunity to reach out and make the peace. Some will accept it and move on while others might not. That's ok, that's life. Mom will even help by sending chocolate chip cookies for finals week. Nothing says "be my friend" like a chocolate chip cookie. Laughter is the best medicine...almost as good as chocolate chip cookies.
ReplyDeletePS there are many folks that enjoy your blog, your family, friends and most of all, those folks that suffer the slings and arrows of SBS. Keep on writing for us...but most of all, for you.
Love ya son!
Dad
4 more days, IW. 4 more days
ReplyDeleteHey Kid,
ReplyDeleteWell, another hurdle to overcome. I have faith that the fourth floor will come to understand your frustration and try to move forward. Continue to reach out. It may take time.
We do enjoy your posts. I hope you continue to blog. It is a great way to express your struggle. I hope your new readers will continue to follow and try to gain some perspective on college life with such physical and emotional struggles. It is a great opportunity for them to prove you wrong and change your opinion about life at OSU. So, Bradley 4, this is your challenge to help a fellow floormate. You are now aware of what he has been dealing with. You may not like his form of expression, but you have a great opportunity to look deep into yourselves and see if you can make a positive impact. Remember, actions do speak louder than words. It is your time to inspire, step up and be proud of yourselves. I look forward to reading about your positive solution to someone who is in need of a friend.
You know, I enjoy your blog! I hope you keep it up. And if all else fails, you can always make it private and only let invited readers see it...just keep me on the list! :-)
ReplyDelete3 more days. 3 more days
ReplyDeleteCome on kid, time for a new post. I know you have a lot of writing left in you. Talk about the awesome Zips basketball game, talk about how cool your mom's new phone is, talk about your golf class, or other classes...Spanish presentation?...or just talk about the weather. Your readers are waiting.
ReplyDeleteOh yea, see you TOMORROW!!!
IW,
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that nobody here on the fourth floor has a problem with you blogging. Our problem is what this blog has turned into. At the top of this page the banner states that is "An open forum for those attempting to live and deal with Short-Gut Syndrome to share and swap ideas on what does and does not work." As of now, it appears to be more of a way to complain about the people on the floor in ways that are unimportant to what this blog pertains to.
I have not met a single person on this floor who has had a problem with you until yesterday. The first few weeks of school, people questioned why you weren't the most social person but never really said that they didn't like you because of that. And any time somebody did question something about you, there were more than enough people (your 'inconsiderate' roommate included) to say, "Give him time. He's going through a tough time with his body and he needs a chance to properly make the transition to college. He really is a genuinely nice guy and when he's ready to share that you'll see."
Well, John, it seems that you're out to try to make them eat their words. You have talked bad about them and put words in their mouths. Still, though, nobody degrades you because they (believe it or not) do understand that you are having troubles. In fact, one of these 'trashy B4-4s,' as you call them, has undoubtedly spent more time in the hospital throughout her life than you have and yet does not expect us treat her any differently. She is one of the nicest people on this floor and since you haven't taken the time to get to know anything about her than what you saw superficially, you're not going to have the chance to figure that out.
So, now the ball's in your court, John. The fourth floor is one of the closest and genuinely nicest groups of people that I have ever had the chance to meet. The fact that you have abondoned the purpose of this blog and in the process ostracized this group of people is truly your loss.
My suggestion is that, while cookies are definitely a good idea and couldn't ever hurt, venture out of your room and really try to get to know some of these great people. Don't judge them by what you see.
The question you need to ask yourself is whether you want to be treated as an equal or you want us to treat you differently. To me it seems that even you don't know the answer to this question as of now. If you want to be treated as an equal then you have to face these people that have reacted to your blog as they would if anybody else had done so. If you want to be different then keep doing what you're doing, but remember: you really are missing out.
Good Luck.
Indeed we are waiting... :) I've become obsessed with the intestineless wonder!! Reading your posts actually provide me with more strength to get through my day. I would really like to give your roommate a good kick in the ass along with all of Bradley 4.
ReplyDeleteIndeed we are waiting... :) I've become obsessed with the intestineless wonder!! Reading your posts actually provide me with more strength to get through my day. I would really like to give your roommate a good kick in the ass along with all of Bradley 4.
ReplyDeleteJohnny,
ReplyDeleteI agree with your mom! There is SO much to write about! Don't let them win. The ants can only get the elephant when he's down. They can't do anything to him when he's standing. Stand up!! If that's hard, think of all of us pushing you up and holding you up. That's what we're here for. Stay strong, honey and know you're always in our prayers!
The Kamlowskys
Who is this Anonymous? Just becuase you haven't gotten to know them doesn't mean they know anything about you trying to make friends and socialize with everyone else. I believe you when you say you've maded plans with others and they've flaked out to do something else or ditched you all together. It's funny to me that they actully think you've abandoned the purpose of this blog as if you have some obligation to post only comments about successful/unsuccessful ideas about living with short gut. Well attention Bradley 4 - John has not abandoned the purpose of this blog he is simply providing entertainment for the readers of this blog. Look at Chelsea Handler, how much do you love her. Well guess what she speaks her mind and that offends people. John is venting to us about the frusrations of living with this cronic disorder. No cookies for B-4, they are to lame to waste the energy on.
ReplyDeletehey so i was just catching up on the good ole blog here and realized that i hadnt read any of the comments on this particular blog. i have decide to respond to the comment by Anonymous, here we go:
ReplyDeletehey anonymous. hows it going? SWEET! well anyways, my first bit of confusion is this: when u all were standing around the amazing Bradley 4, talking about how good of a guy John is and how u knew he was going through a rough time, how did none of u think, 'hey maybe talking to him would help?!' cuz it would have. all John wanted was the fun OSU experience that hes been waiting for and instead, the people he was trying to be friends with decided talking about how nice a guy he is was better than talking TO the nice guy himself.. hmm?!
my second argument is in agreement with Renee^^:
How could u possible think that all this blog would talk about was SGS? seriously! if u have indeed read the blog, than u would know that NOBODY REALLY KNOWS ANYTHING!!! they know how it happens, that fat and sugar = bad!, and that salt is great (there is obviously some other stuff but not a whole lot) thats about it. All John is doing is, like Renee said, entertaining his readers so that they will keep checking the blog, reading it, and hmm idk maybe lead to an open forum for those attempting to live and deal with Short-Gut Syndrome and the sharing and swapping of ideas on what does and does not work? but u no thats just me!
my third and final (but not really final) argument is: why would u expect John to want to get to no someone who proudly recognizes that they are a B4-4? if this girl has indeed had serious medical trauma or whatever (which is very sad and im sorry she has to deal with that) than u would think she would value her body and life a little more than to display something like that for all to see.
But i digress...
I would like to finish this post with a question: How would u feel if a person who u couldn't bare to live without was almost taken from u and then, when u think everything will be better for them, he is treated like a flaming piece of dog poo on ur front porch?
You may say u understand that John is having a "hard" time but u really do not know the half of it and his experience on the coveted Bradley 4 has not lessened the weight of the cross he carries every single day.
See you tomorrow John!
~Shellster~