S.W.E.A.T.S., O.R.A.N.G.E. S.O.D.A., & Pulling the Plug

In the last two weeks I have started doing something that I have not done since 6th-ish grade: I have worn sweats to class. Let me tell you, it is glorious! And I believe this leads me to another acronym (my apologies for previously referring to these as anagrams): So Wearable, Even All the Time, Son! Indeed, all the time.

I finally had another orange soda today: diet Sunkist. It cost me $1.49, but it was just as glorious as wearing sweats to class. My Kelesque thirst has for now been quenched. For clarity, Kelesque refers to the 1990s Nickelodeon show: Kenan and Kel. Kel (played by Kel Mitchell) had an undying love for orange flavored carbonated beverages. And this leads me to my second acronym of the day: Only Really A Nectar of Glorious Ecstasy providing Satisfaction Opposite that of Dying Alone. I think that's my best one so far.

So now down to brass tax. Since I was a young'n, I've watched the scarlet and gray play football every Saturday in the fall. I picked the Buckeyes to win the first NCAA March Madness pool I ever entered. I bought an Ohio State hat on the way to my cousin P.J.'s wedding so that I could wear it after the ceremony, while watching the Ohio State v. Texas football game that night at the reception. I have an Eddie George Bobble head of him in a Buckeye uniform standing over the Horse Shoe. In my life-predicting project thing in seventh grade, I predicted a degree from The Ohio State University. When I buy my first family pooch, I've recently decided to get a mostly white pup so that I can call him Whitey Hayes (maybe, haha). I have always dreamt of graduating from Ohio State, and it seemed that that dream would become a reality.

Unfortunately though, my first year of college hasn't exactly gone according to plan, and my dream of a scarlet and gray graduation gown has been on life-support the last few months. This past week, after learning that I was eliminated from RA eligibility, I believe I have made the decision to pull the plug on my dream and let it drift away as peacefully as possible.

I love Ohio State. The campus is more beautiful than I could ever have hoped for. I couldn't be more excited for the new student union to open next year. And the extensive list of alumni make it exactly what someone needs in an economy that makes finding a job difficult. But there are too many things that outweigh these positives. I don't have any real friends or a social life of any kind. I sit in my dorm room and watch TV seven nights a week, no joke. I try to make friends and make plans, but their favorite things to do are go get drunk (which I can't do), go get pizza (which I can't do), and go lift weights, swim, and take a dip in the hot tubs (which I won't do due to ugly scars and a weight equal to that of most seventh graders). Plus, when every other week I am laid out with a kidney stone (I passed number 12 yesterday and today) and every other day I have an awful stomachache from the inadequate campus dining choices, how am I supposed to have any sort of social life? How are people supposed to like me when I am in pain every single day that they can't comprehend (a la Gregory House)?

I am going to take a page out of every MLB free agent ever and say: I have to do what is best for me and my family. Unfortunately, my decision involves moving in with my parents and paying thousands of dollars for an education at a different university and not playing baseball everyday for a seven-figure salary, which believe me would be my first choice if it were available.

I have not told anyone here of my decision yet and probably won't for a few weeks, but I have told many of my friends who attend either Akron U or Kent State (my two choices), and each of them has told me how excited they are that I will be back home and hope that I choose their respective schools. A kid I worked with at Acme (A Critical Mind Eraser - Boom, number 3) told me he doesn't know how I've made it this long. He commutes to Akron, eats lunch there four or five times a week, and says he is about to lose his mind thinking of eating there again. He even mentioned how he has a full diet, unlike me. Can you imagine how refreshing it was for someone to say something empathetic without any probing or family relations? I would have shaken his hand and gave him a strong shoulder pat had I not been talking to him on Facebook.

I don't know yet where I will end up, but I am almost certain I won't be returning to northern Columbus next fall as a student. As difficult as it is to give up on a lifelong dream, I know it is what I have to do. When I thought about having to come back for another year, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders, but when I think about living with my parents, sister, and pup and eating real food every night again and having a car again and perhaps a social life again, I couldn't be lighter.

That is all for now, Wondeaders. With a pep in my step, I am off to grab some mediocre General Tso's Chicken and rice from Market Place for the first time in two whole nights...

Sincerely yours,

The Intestineless Wonder, current Buckeye, future Zip/Golden Flash